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What I sometimes wonder about is, why do I end bad things in the way that I do? When something doesn’t feel right, when I do something I don’t believe, why does the sky always open up, thunder come down, and the world shake?

I used to think it was a character flaw, now I’m not sure.

When I sat at home and wore a thick beard and thought that I was broken, it seemed that it was a crippling fault. When I knew more deer than men and didn’t know what to do, I thought it was proof that I was going to die.

In certain ways, over time, I’ve been burned by becoming too cozy with things I knew were not right. I let myself believe mundane lies, which I became. I lived in a glass world, with snow sky and thin, curving walls. Each time I was shook out and the glass broke. Each time I spent time—sometimes years—building up again after the fall. Sometimes into the same man, poised for break. Once or twice into something new, more than the last time.

Now I think I am alert. Now, I think, for the most part, I am aware of myself as a human being.

But now I shut-down, more than ever, at insincere moments.

I am passionate, is it just that? Is it just honesty, and knowing what is not right? Is it overcompensating for my past mistakes? I don’t know, and knowing, I know, will take time. In time I will have to learn that myself is separate (in some ways) from what I do, that it can be strong if I am strong, not so prone to contamination and breaks. If that is true, maybe not. Maybe I have to stay the same man, in that way. One thing I like, that I will tell you I like, is that I am not ready or willing for the sucker-in. I’m not one who will soon (without struggle) Sell Out. For my writing, to continue, for any kind of success, it could be the best chance that I have.

2 Comments

  1. ha! You’ve never seen my ‘People of the Deer’ one, though. It gained me about 100 pounds, and by the end of it I’d started believing all that weight was real.

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