When I’m At My Parents I Forget Sometimes

samosa When I’m at my parents I forget sometimes and I just make terrible jokes and the television is on. The Blue Jays are down 1-0. The Blue Jays have tied the game 1-1. The Blue Jays are down 2-1. The Blue Jays have timed the game 2-2. The Blue Jays have won the game in the 12th inning.

“They look so happy,” says Lisa. I’m eating a samosa.

“Where did you get that samosa?”

“I found it and I’m eating it because my face has been burning all day, and my teeth hurt, and I want my teeth to stop hurting.”

“Your face is burning because of an imbalance in your liver. You’ve ate too much. And your teeth hurt because you just had dental surgery.”

Minor dental surgery.”

When I was sitting in the operating chair my dentist and the assistant debated whether or not a song was Celine Dion or Shania Twain. The doctor left in the middle of my surgery to go and check on the computer.

“It’s Jan Arden. I just looked it up. Do you know Jan Arden?”

“No… but the name is familiar.”

“She started around the same time as Celine Dion. She’s Canadian too. But not as popular.” jann-arden My brother and I go to the road to knock a steel stake into the ground with a sledgehammer. While he fumbles with a box I mutter and collect styrofoam littering the side of the road. How did it get there? Who opens packages in their cars and throws the styrofoam out the window?


“Oh. It’s probably just styrofoam that got blown out of our recycling bin.”

We don’t have the hands to carry it so I leave it in a pile by the gate.

The stake is too easy a target and goes down without any effort so I whack it a few times as hard as I can and the metal gets so bent out of shape it’s difficult to put the connecting girder over it. But that’s not enough, because my brother got it most of the way in before it was my turn, and I hit a stump a few times and the dog gets scared because he’s small and at one point he might have been abused. I want to hit things with a sledgehammer all day sometimes. I think that in the bathroom after I’ve washed my hands and my face is so hot because of the imbalance in my liver. Once in the forest I swung an axe for nearly an hour straight and it was hard but I liked that so much. I think about going on a portage and I’ve never done that before but Lisa is right, I would like it, even though on my first try I would find it difficult because of my inexperience.

When Lisa left to go to her mothers my head felt hot and I felt odd. I thought about the samosa in the mini-refrigerator. I planned on eating it. I did not react properly to anything although I told my wife that I loved her and maybe that was enough.

Here is a list of things I’ve eaten today out of the refrigerator or packages:

A cinnamon bun with walnuts.

A skewer of cooked chicken.

Two deep-fried samosas.

Some swiss cheese.

Several “blueberry turnovers”-style Voortman cookies.

A bagel.

Two sips of two different diet colas that tasted disgusting.

A grapefruit I peeled into segments.

Several glasses of water.

All day the wind has been like an animal and dry leaves move like rabbits or mice.  Going to the gate in the middle of the night when it’s dark everywhere there are sounds that are frightening. A tree creaks over and over. Something moves. The leaves. Branches fall from trees. I am a big scared maniac and my flashlight looks like a gun and I shine it at the dog when he’s peeing. I turn it off on the way home and the lights from the house are the only things I can see, everything else is pitch black and there are the sounds that bugs make. “TCHEE-TCHEE-TCHEE”. It’s alien in a way that I don’t expect and I realise I’ve spent too much time in the city, I need to do something physical out in the woods. Lisa and I think it would be nice to rent a cabin at some point or buy one, and get a dog to bark at the woods and run around in circles until his mouth opens up and the tongue lolls out like a snake.



  1. No! Just a dog from the internet. Despite my previous post I didn’t have access to any of my photographs. But I re-named the file to “a happy dog”. That was all me.

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