“Everything longer than it is wide is a penis.” Someone, somewhere, once said.

A closed book is a penis.

A cat stretching in front of a fire is a penis.

A cow lying on the ground is a penis, an unusually thick one with uncommon musculature. But a cow standing up is not a penis, not really, because a cow’s body, while standing up, is almost square, or is at least closer to square standing up than it is to “penis”. (It wouldn’t be proper to say rectangle instead of penis, because, as everyone knows, squares are also rectangles, and so the comparison would be meaningless.)

At the end of the movie “Cool Runnings”, the bobsled hoisted up onto the shoulders of the four Jamaican bobsledders is actually a penis. By this measure, the slow clap of the assembled crowd must mean something, although I’m not sure what. It’s possible that all of the outstretched hands, coming together and producing sound, are penises.