Conspiracies

Those awful Blue Jays are eager to get swept again. Soon they’ll be swept out of the city by the G20 summit. Instead, three home games in Philadelphia. G20 organizers are asking Toronto citizens to stay out of the downtown during the summit. And if they have to protest, to go somewhere else. It would be prohibitively hard to coordinate fathers, mothers, sons, daughters waving pennants, passing through security fences, on the days of the summit. It’s likely someone innocent would be hit with a truncheon or tear gas.

How can the Blue Jays make Daisuke Matsuzaka look like a good pitcher? It seems difficult but tonight they have done that. They (the Blue Jays) are a good team really but Boston has caught them on the end of a 10 game road trip with no days of rest. Why is Boston their final opponent? Maybe it’s for the same reason that umpires give Boston and New York players smaller or wider strike zones (it depends on whether they’re pitching or batting).

Oh, I don’t know if any of that’s true. But the other day I heard a radio announcer say this: “Most umpires have grown up cheering for the Red Sox or the Yankees so it’s bound to happen a little bit.” It’s just been on my mind.

Speaking of conspiracies, this afternoon I found a DVD in a white case by the side of the road, set on a raised slab of concrete. On the DVD was written: “Watch me”. I took it. I put it in with Lisa gone thinking it might be violence, pornography, or one of those ghostly movies that haunts you if you don’t pass them on correctly. I was half-terrified. But it was just a movie about the New World Order distributed by Infowars.com. I don’t know if I’m supposed to like that or not. I don’t know anything about it.

Anyway, I am going to go to the G20 summitt dressed as Ace, the foam-finger waving, booty-shaking, blue mascot of the Toronto Blue Jays.

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