There’s something about PJ Katie. I don’t meant sexually, though she’s undeniably pretty, and I can’t really rule out the erotic in my pre-adolescent attraction to her. I guess I watched so much television that at some point she became a kind of mother to me. It is heartrending watching these old clips now, as that time when I could look to mothers for comforting is over.

I don’t know if that was a different time, whether what she played then would play now. But she was an inventor. She was a storyteller. For millions of children she was that. Does that make the “Crayola” advertisements that burst out in intervals during her segments then troubling? I don’t know. I do know that at that age I was already aware of the limitations of the relationship, that money had to intercede, to limit, to impose.

Youtube regresses, brings us to our past now made readily available. Like all other social media platforms, it also reveals. Tonight I watched a broken version of a girl I once loved speak. When I knew her, the troubles she describes in her video I experienced. I wished that we could have shared and saved each other then. I’m afraid of the past I lost, for the past I am still losing, and I want to turn back and grab onto my life before it sinks into the sand.

We will all die some day. Another woman, in the “Related Videos”, looks something like the one I just watched, but much older. “I know I look tired […] I hope the sound quality is better, I had the microphone all along but I didn’t have the energy to change it, I guess I’m lazy […] We’ve been really busy, we’re so tired, we went through some tough times”, and then, presumably (according to the video information) 14 minutes on her mental health.

On the weekend as I was listening to my wife and mother talk I was doing odd work, translating and making literary facts as I was hearing them. I was elsewhere and I realized I have long been elsewhere, beneath, submerged, below and little, between, weaving rather than understanding. I have been telling my own stories. I haven’t been ready to speak.

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