Some Facts About Villains

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Villains are like elephants, they never forget. But whereas the memory of an elephant is constantly reaffirmed by its geography, a villain’s memory is not grounded by its surroundings, or even reality. An elephant may remember a loved one when it comes across its skeleton, but the villain retains the corpse inside her and tries to mend it with her thoughts. “This corpse will rise again,” says the villain to herself, meekly, as she winces in the morning light from the comfort of her sheets. The corpse, and the memory, will therefore gradually cease to resemble what it corresponds to. Because of this, many villains, when they have raised a corpse, find that the only thing to do is to put it back down again.

Villains are always wrong. If you ask a villain what time it is a villain will always give you the wrong hour. If you ask a villain for directions, they will point you in the opposite direction of your destination. Villains are not liars, however: the unfortunate villain lives in that hour, on that street, that is their very own. They choose—although it can hardly be said to be a choice—to live a life incompatible with the lives of other human beings, heroes, elephants, and even other villains. Therefore they can hardly be relied upon.

Villains make enemies out of mud and any other materials they can gather. They send these enemies out to do battle against others. Sometimes a villain has nowhere to send an enemy, and so they battle the enemy themselves. Most villains have between forty or fifty enemies on hand in their apartments at any one time, and some villains, if they are unlucky and alone, constantly do battle with that number of enemies. Some villains carry their enemies in sacks, over their shoulder, for rapid deployment. Most carry at least one or two in their hearts, although these are not as easily released. Do not let villains in to see you, unless you are prepared to do battle with a few enemies of your own, composed of mud and the material of your life.

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