My Final Presentation

photos-within-photos

I’m exhausted. The term is almost over. I am working tonight. A presentation. I don’t want to think. I want to climb under the table and press my forehead into the ground. A kind of prayer. At the bar they were talking about strip clubs and Noor was trying to get my attention because she wanted to leave. Just to get anyone’s attention—not me for any special reason. I was the obvious one to interrupt, because I don’t know anything about strip clubs and didn’t feel engaged. I didn’t know why she was trying to get my attention. I had a headache. I didn’t acknowledge Noor. I responded to the conversation about strip clubs. Noor stood up and got everyone’s attention. Noor and Neil left. Neil took the conversation about strip clubs with him. I’m so tired. I want to lay in bed with Margeaux. I don’t want to write anything. I want to lie on the ground underneath a palm tree. I want a common household fern to sprout out of my chest. Or maybe my forehead. I will press my forehead to the ground until it springs a leak and a river flows out. I will press my forehead into the ground to demonstrate proper devotion. Proper fealty. To what or to whom? To everyone maybe. My sister’s dog died on Sunday. Many complications, no known cause. I loved that dog. Laura is leaving soon—another Laura, not my sister—back to BC. I’m afraid it will be a long time until I see her again. I want to express friendship-love. I am struggling with how to articulate that feeling properly. I will miss her. I’m worried that when I become tired I become boorish. I’m worried that the more tired I am the less able I am to moderate my boorish qualities… I worry that I was boorish in relation to Laura and to Noor earlier today. I wish I didn’t have a chip on my shoulder. I wish I held a perfect love in my heart and I was brave enough to extend that always. I wish my perfect love was radiant and pure and empty of human fleshiness. When classes are over and my last essays are handed in I hope to spend two weeks sitting in parks writing poetry and reading. I will walk long distances and perform this action out of love for everyone who has ever existed. I will try to dispose of myself as I work.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s