I feel very sad right now. But I think all of that sadness is just my body only. I don’t have any particular reason to be sad. I experience “flashes” occasionally: moments where I want to weep or to shout, an uncontrollable feeling that sneaks up on me when I am doing some mundane chore. I’m not sure what, exactly, my body is rebelling against. But it feels like I am rebelling against something.
I’m not sure if it’s the SSNRI that I’m taking. I don’t think so. But I think the first time I remember feeling these symptoms was in September, around when I first started taking the drug. At the time, though, I was very angry, more angry than I think I realized. My anger became a feeling of numbness and it felt good to feel hot flashes of something.
I have some work to do. I have to lie for a company that creates mobile apps. And then I will lie to myself later when I begrudge the work and explain that I deserve better. I do—but only because everyone does. I do—but only because I always feel like I deserve more.
I finished my book last week and last week I met with my mentor. She liked the book. This weekend M will be moving out of the apartment we share. I’ve been trying as much as possible not to refer to it as “our” apartment when we talk to each other, even though I guess that’s technically true. On Sunday or Monday Michael and I will drive to Guelph and then we’ll drive from Guelph to Philadelphia for a funeral. I think. I’m in Caledon right now for a week because I find staying in a living room exhausting. I Googled withdrawal symptoms for the SSNRI I’m talking and apparently they’re really awful. I wish I could run to manage my anxiety but whenever I run the day after I feel sick—“flu-like symptoms”—and I feel a slight pain in my left side and, sometimes, on my right side.
I want to run because that is the best thing that I can do. But I can’t run because it makes me sick the next day.
I want to settle myself but I feel anxious currently. I feel like I will never finish the extremely small amount of things that I need to do.