I have been living with one foot out the door—dangerous psychologically, even for situations that you know will not last (driving a van up and down the city, learning a particular trade—I have already learned all I want to learn about rugs). What do I need to do? Probably I need to slow down, and meditate, and reduce my commitments. Do I want to meet C on Saturday, even briefly? What would be accomplished by doing that? It’s good to be friends with someone you have loved but not if their expectations are unreasonable or if they are used to having their unrealistic expectations met.

(I’m not sure this is happening or in danger of happening; expectations can sometimes arise implicitly where there is need, and dissipate with its dissolution.)

Two weeks ago I felt like I was living without desire, I wondered what it meant to be a person without it. Friday and Monday as I drove across the city all I could think of was H’s open mouth pressing against mine. I wished that more engaging things were happening on the radio so that I could drown it out, I was worried that I was investing too much psychic energy into someone I had only met a handful of times.

That might still be the case, but I like everything that has happened so far. My therapist wants me to date more generally, to “have fun.” It is implied this is what I should be doing. Not only do not know how to do that, it stresses me out. I don’t like doing it. I don’t want to. I have done enough of it. I know what I like and don’t like. As long as I keep that in mind, as long as I maintain myself and don’t shirk my responsibilities…

As long as I follow my desire and am honest about it. As long as I take the time to learn and to listen and to be open and engaged… As long as I remember to decide for myself.

I haven’t had much difficulty remembering.

It worries me, though, how cavalier I have been. I can make the mistake of wanting too many things. 

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