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Last night, in front of the television, watching Star Wars with the rest of my cohort. I notice a distance or an absence in me: which is strange because otherwise I am so animated, I am making jokes, I am not afraid to speak, I am vocal and I am reaching them in at least that way. But it feels difficult to remember personal details about many of my colleagues, and I feel bad having to ask them the same questions over and over again. A glancing connection. I don’t understand why I am this way, at least right now, why it is so much work to raise myself in front of them and encounter them on a personal level. I want a connection that begins from the emotional and perhaps that is wrong. Or perhaps that’s just exactly the kind of connection you can’t get speaking one person at a time in a large group. I want to break that dynamic down, while simultaneously embedding myself in a larger system of connections, but I also do not want to implicate myself. I don’t want to become what I’m resisting. And truthfully I’m not even sure what that is.

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