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I dreamed last night of attending a kind of concert, a concert that was also somehow ballet, in a foreign country. I wanted to go because I knew, somehow, even though both of us were in a different country than the one we lived in, that X would be there. I thought if I saw X there, if I surprised them as well as myself, I’d be given a chance to get to know them a little better… I thought that perhaps the circumstances of being in a different city, a different country, one that was across the Atlantic, would stimulate a development in our relationship… For some reason I was at the concert with my friend Glen, from high school, who I wanted to leave behind in order to join X, but who I also know I could not leave behind. I had an obligation to him even though he didn’t really understand. We had the worst seats possible and X had the best—the stage was obscured by a bank of seats (inverse to their regular arrangement, “descending” from overlooking the front of the stage rather than ascending from the stage in order to provide a better view). The stage could not be seen by anyone who was not in the first row of seats: everyone else was forced only to listen, and the further away from the stage the worse the acoustics. But the sound was produced not only by instruments but also by the movement of the dancers, who were instruments themselves. I wanted to join X to get access to the dance that was going on behind the wall. But there was a sense that we did not belong. At some point I moved to a different seat, closer but still far from X, I could only see a portion of the action—heads, feathers attached to costumes… What does this dream mean? What’s the action that I’m trying to reach and why do I see X as my conduit to it? Now I’m sitting across from X in the library. I had no idea they would be here, I’d hoped only for someone, anyone. I feel incredible clarity, a sense of purpose, perhaps even (a kind of) desire… But frustrated by the fact that it is an impossible desire. And that perhaps motivated by an unsatisfied curiosity (the first time in over ten years that someone I have asked out has said no). What I want is this: to arrange myself into a clarity. To become what I want. To reach the top of the bank of seats without needing anyone else. And to find someone else sitting there (whether that is X or someone else).