What you seek is within you–and perhaps always has been. Connect first with your own heart. This is a time of excitement and abundance. When I was asked what I found interesting this past year, or what changed in my understanding, what possible avenues I would consider for my final project, I wanted to say: that love is a burning. 

But I did not say that because I did not feel that it was germane. So I did not say that desire does not consume even as it burns, because it is a product of language. “No relation is constituted on the basis of the sexes, for it is on that basis alone that what makes up a relationship can be enunciated.” Speech can never be reduced. What you need, he told me, is debate—not argument. You need a place where you can express your independence… without the risk of being defined by or defining the other. 

Someone who challenges but does not overwhelm. I asked him, what about a Scorpio? He said no because Scorpios are controlling. A lot of attraction however. They can see your soul and are devoted to it. But they want the same thing in return and that is not right for you. Scorpios, he says, reflect our inner demons.

Now I’m not sure exactly what that means. I remember a day we sat together in the library, on the second floor, by the long bank of windows in front of the tree with branches that occasionally snapped and fell to the ground, and I thought “I am annoyed by how powerful this feeling is.” She kept catching in the corner of my eye, her hair falling over her face, her brushing it away, I know it was not intentional, but I wondered if I was catching in her vision too. I think I was. But at lunch that same day it was meeting one of her roommates that I realized her life would never be like mine. It just wouldn’t. As much as I liked imagining it. So all that we ever would be was sitting in front of this window. 


They couldn’t sell the house. They didn’t resolve everything—perhaps anything—when they left. There were cats prowling in the bushes. (We’ll just let them live out their lives in the forest, they said, which meant that they would soon die.) They thought they might leave the dog. (But then you’ll just get a new one and forget about him, I said.) Loyalty to the cats: three of them, two eleven, one twelve years old—why should they be left to fend for themselves? I wasn’t ready to say goodbye, not to the cats or to my parents. I made a poster, but I didn’t post anything on the internet. Or if I did it was half-hearted. I didn’t contact any organizations that do animal rescue work… Anything would have been better than feeling held hostage (not by the cats but by this seemingly impossible need I had been saddled with). I’m only realizing now how I made a decision to be enthralled. There were three cats: one now, and he is nineteen. He has a good life now, comfortable and pampered.

What am I doing? I don’t want to live passively. I don’t want to live involuntarily. I want to be responsible for the decisions that I’m making. I want to at least know what I am following. There’s no saner feeling than feeling in charge, which doesn’t mean that everything or even anything needs to go your way.