addicted-to-weed-eli-durst

I drank too much coffee today, and I didn’t do enough yoga or meditation in the preceeding week. That’s likely the reason that I feel distracted today—my decision, for instance, to play The Binding of Isaac: Rebirth in the hour that I had before the Paper II questions were released, rather than go for a walk or do yoga on my bedroom floor. Now I feel distracted, indiscreet, horny. I want to collapse into a puddle or tumble in slow motion down a staircase. I have the vague desire to turn on Chatroulette and leave it running, for no other reason than to connect to some raging interior version of myself, but a version I don’t have to be responsible for, in the form of hundreds of anonymous people, naked or shouting thousands of miles away… But I don’t want to spend my day rocking back and forth without any purpose, I don’t want to waste my time as if I had all the time in the world to waste. I want to focus on the task at hand. I want to write this essay that I have very little interest in writing, but which I will write in any case. I want to use my brain, not face off against it, as if we were meeting at a tournament, as if I must always struggle to master this creature even to write a basic response that shouldn’t—really—require its help at all. 

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