When I feel this way, what has happened? I’m looking for something much larger than me. I want relief but no relief will ever come—not in the way I imagine. Somehow it seems tied to neglect. When I feel neglected, even or especially if I’m the one neglecting myself, I imagine, on a subconscious level, that there is a solution to this feeling. That something will liberate me from these feelings. That I will be pulled into some kind of peaceful understanding.
It is a deeply religious feeling. And I know it is tied to not getting something at a time when I was not producing memories, when I was an infant and undeveloped. I would never be able to tell you what I did not “get.” I can only guess myself.
But it is something so integral that I imagine if I got it my reality would solve itself.
I will never find this peace that I crave. But the feeling has a strong hold over me, even when I know that things it tells me I want are wrong. When there is no way that they could save me, could in fact only cause me more problems, more want. I suppose perhaps that is what I want—to feel that irrepressible need, as if an acknowledgement of my lack, or maybe more accurately a dwelling in it would make more sense to me than to think that—possibly—I might already have more than I could ever need.