No more time

Wanting to apologize but not knowing how. It is no longer time for apologies, no longer time for emails or phone calls, no longer time for text messages or walks with the dog. No more time for misunderstandings, recriminations, litigation. No more time to say the thing I never thought you understood. No more time to ask you how you’re feeling. No more time to be sure that I am right and you are wrong. No more time to be right or wrong. No more time for investigations. No more time to recognize my mistakes, to clarify. No more time to apologize, to make up, to console. No more time to be careful, to be generous, to listen—to feel badly that I could have misunderstood something so profoundly. No more time to get offended. No more time to feel guilt for carrying around those awful feelings for so long, an unjustified anger, an injury that never fully healed (in truth, two). No more time to share. No more time to make you laugh, to comfort, to hold you close. No more time for any of that. Now it’s lost, behind us now—a quiet space that I filled with anger, my outrage, my confusion, my self-righteousness. Even now I want to fill it, with this—an apology that will never reach you, an apology that will take up too much of your time if it does. 

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