DOMOVOI

Helpless I watch the sun trace
across the asphalt—my voice speaks
when they are sleeping—
they do not know why I beg for bread
and salt—what feelings 
are mine and what belongs to them—
when I arrived it was without 
blood of chicken or goat—they did not sprinkle 
the four corners of this one bedroom—
didn’t speak my name or say their prayers—
let the dog disturb me in his haste
to shout at the glass—he is
the only one who knows—snarling, 
suspicious—the fur raised 
around his slim neck—should feel 
instead weight beyond cunning—terror—
what he cannot know—what, 
if abused,
could destroy him. Sometimes pain is felt
in one place but found elsewhere—
sometimes the sun when it moves
becomes something living

I WILL GO WITH YOU AND I WILL HOLD YOUR HAND

to reset I used to go to the art gallery, search for a painting that would arrest
no specific feeling—I wanted to be either surprised or held
I’d carry a little notebook with me and sometimes leave my phone at home
or else mostly ignore it or only take pictures—now M
wants to go to the art gallery. we all do. I told her this afternoon
that I was running towards the blue, an imagined blue screen that hung in front of me
like something I would never reach—the Aegean, I said, mourning
the dead recast as heroes, or not heroes exactly but figures of tragedy, ancient 
consequence, betrayed mores—I’d downloaded the audio from a movie that I’d watched
the previous night, listened to it with headphones—she said in her next message
that my voice sounded different than it did elsewhere—
I liked what she said, more alive to itself, something like that—while she searched
for the word I thought immediately and without hesitation it was “open”
something that in this quarantine I have sometimes struggled to do—
tonight I read a book that surprised me, then I got out of bed to fulfill a promise
I kept making and breaking—to smoke weed on the back deck
let myself feel or concentrate on the action—to take deep and slow breaths
back in bed a sound is coming out of my throat
except it is noiseless—full and round and like a kiss on the neck

Susan Stewart: “in listening I am listening to the material history
your connection to all who have been impressed upon you
living or dead, the voice as with the eyes holds the life
of the self”—as we move from one app to another you say 
imagine this is the part where I am inching my chair 
a little closer, ordering dessert—I have become used to 
pacing my apartment, dictating to some future version 
of yourself—maybe like me you play the voice notes several times
both because they are long and because it is easy
to get lost in the trail of your materiality, caught 
in your impressions’ grooves—and once sent rarely go back
as if what is before us is all that is living, what will be caught 
and rendered and cut off, mingled with the sound of your dogs
coughing, the streetcar, music playing gently in another room—
I know these rooms now—the kitchen, the red room, and 
the bed—Stewart again: “the voice in poetry is the voice 
of the lover”—she tells a story about a man who smashes rocks
on the weekend (amateur geologist) and gases butterflies 
in cyanide, an unknowing tribute to his grandmother’s lover
who in a concentration camp broke rocks and died 
by gas—how we return to what we don’t even know
—what is yours and what doesn’t belong to you—at a funeral 
a distant uncle or an older second cousin, this was eight or nine
years ago, said my voice was like that of a doctor, which I took
to mean: cold, circling—a history of this—but now realize
he didn’t specify—a voice can mean many things—who did 
I love, how did it come to me, what was impressed, what was I
wrestling with, what did it mean, and what do you hear now

A GEOGRAPHY

meditating felt like I was pushing through sludge—some final 
resistance, some difficulty—held in the body but not in the brain, or 
in the brain but bodily—passing their house, desire to explain—
what needs to be explained?—light of the sun on the facing buildings, 
neighbours passing in and out, with groceries—on the front lawn a sign
free, cat deceased—easier to throw out than have to speak 
to the street, to keep record—what needs to be explained, what needs to 
illuminated, what needs to be brought—what is the new responsibility, 
what is carried—how can I be sure that what is called up in me is only
muscles or footsteps, vibrations and jarring—something apart from love 
apart from desire, apart from need? know now I’m drawing a boundary:
at the conclusion of this poem whatever it is will be released

day of Zooms—this morning my masked friend in Dubai texts me
I join while the timer is already running, her sister paces the backimage
going up and down the stairs—then a meeting at noon, where I am forced
to confirm the name of an ex’s new partner, so that they can be let in
(I am the only one that knows)—we sit in this tight knot (glowing with ringlights
the university paid for) her curled hair recently dyed, bearing a lustre both very near
and far-seeming—this follows another encounter, in which someone more recent
decides that there are to be no more texts or emails between us—gently confirmed
in the kitchen, where I wait between meetings—I have to leave the house, am caught
in another meeting, informal, the faces on camera today seem faded to a Daguerrotype’s 
field—we are all swimming in this gloom, I say that if I took off my headphones my brain
would leak out, but perhaps a better word is vaporize—briefly I watch the roommate 
of someone more recent still disappear into a cloud of viscera—the opening scene, these are
The Boys and what happens to them, their lovers are turned into rain—I watch 
no further, leave the house—return and find my heart beating, too quickly—but I still
have one more—Google “panic attack” or “anxiety,” write a note to myself: “determine
what has me activated”— this room full of objects I am tired of seeing, sprawled
and reversed, out of camera and in, the shoebox, the pothos, the bed that I made quickly
the papers, the battery charging for the cordless drill, Benjamin’s Arcades, the green light
with its new harsh bulb that on camera makes me wonder if I’m sick
(perhaps in the room the virus is another object 
I could comment upon)—what else? pad of paper by my side during 
this final meeting, mechanical pencil with its failing lead, which I use to write
in small letters, “poetry is both experience and escape”—think of God stopping time
to let the poet lined up before the firing squad finish his epic, discreetly
poetry is a skip or a delay—it is a way of fixing or freezing
it is an obsession with light—but what is that? is there a word like vaporize 
for the attention light has been given by poetry?
a man has recently written about his desire to be eradicated by plasma
or lasers, to have his ribcage superheated to the temperature used to achieve fusion
what kind of light is that? what kind of secret?