Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday


It’s Wednesday and I’ve spent the last hour reading about messianic time, Benjamin’s thesis on the concept of history. On Monday at the desk at the library I read two stories, one by Cynthia Ozick and another by Antonya Nelson. I see today in looking up the correct spelling of Ozick’s name that the story I read was a famous one—“The Shawl,” which is also the name of a short book which contains that story and the novella continuing the story of one of the characters. 

On Tuesday at lunch I told my friend Noor that this story, “The Shawl,” was a Noor story, without being able to, perhaps, entirely charactize what I meant by saying that, but thinking: recursive, poetic, mannered, redolent with meaning, and somehow not too twee. The story was about the holocaust and three women (two women and two children, placing the fourteen-year-old in both categories). A story about the holocaust is not a type of story that would traditionally interest me (because of the way these stories are typically told, a reassuring way, one that reinforces the bourgeois idea of the monstrosity of these events, unthinkable and utterly exceptional—which of course they are, even as they are also part of an unbroken chain of monstrous events stretching over vast chronological and geographic vistas). 

Ozick’s story was not like that—in fact perhaps the opposite, just as the fourth part of Bolaño’s 2666 and his Nazi Literature in the Americas also present the opposite thesis, as well as, for Bolaño, so does The Savage Detectives and many of his short stories and novels. 

On Monday something about Nelson’s story (“Naked Ladies”) bothered me. It was, of course, well-written, believable, in some respects unique, and in a style that made it easy to see why Lorrie Moore read it on a recent New Yorker fiction podcast (they have an affinity). The story was about a poor family attending to a rich one. I liked the things it had to say about domestic relationships, subtly radical as well as (perhaps) conventionally lazy, the latter because of the easy characterizations it seemed to make before an ending that redeemed the preceding (in terms of characterizations: a rotten husband to a fat woman, in love with the svelte or voluptuous female form chief among this story’s clichés). 

But Nelson’s story also seemed, somehow, impossibly decadent, belonging too much to the century that it came from, and to a lazy erudition that I imagine of the readers (of The New Yorker) there; it seemed to miss, for me, the depth that Moore’s stories typically contain, a kind of depth that is I think also characteristic of Ozick and Bolaño and countless other authors: the feeling that at any moment you could be plunged into absolute darkness, placed at the edge of a yawning precipice from which you know no other way down than to jump (and knowing that that jump will not be easy but terrible). 

Nelson’s story was decadent because it was too comfortable, content to note, for instance,the resentment of the catering staff as a mere detail, just as the vast grounds of the wealthy husband, the stacks of Playboys, and the poor father’s cramped studio were mere details. Content to provide a list of objects but not to interrogate the reasons for their arrangement. Content to inhabit but not to challenge. In other words, the story seems trapped in the discourse of its time, which is, why, perhaps, the collection it belongs to (and which was sent to me by a friend whose taste and judgment I trust!) has gone out of print. But I wonder, too, if it’s that discourse (because the story is far from bad, even far from totally conventional) which will “resurrect” the book for future readers in a time when challenging the contemporary moment will be somewhat less important than imagining ways to inhabit everything that the present has lost. (Although it is hard for me to imagine it—still—as ever offering more than the other works I have mentioned, which will remain, I think, for readers, in the present, even as the “events” they describe recede further and further into time.)

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An epiphany on the walk to your appointment. No, it came the night before, running into your friend Kevin while you were nursing a Skor bar in your pocket outside the Shopper’s. You eat food wilfully, as a means of making space. Space for whom or what? In either case space you didn’t need to make. In your bag: fifteen cheesecake bites and a bar of sea salt and caramel chocolate. You bring out the latter when it becomes evident that the former doesn’t interest your partner. Over the course of the next day you eat twelve. Kevin famously lost twenty or thirty pounds just by switching from Budweiser to Michelob Light. It feels wrong to wave the chocolate in the air in front of him. Like he could hex you: give you the reverse fate, chocolate dooming you to fifteen or twenty pounds gained in a week. As easily as it came off him. You’re sick and you need the calories, you tell yourself, as you also tell him you’re delirious (he doesn’t understand why you would even bring that up). It’s true that you feel better today than you did yesterday or the day before, a difference you ascribe to eating all that desert—and the next day, a milkshake, a medium fry—but which just as easily could have been the body naturally healing itself, over time (perhaps you even retarded your healing). What does the body need? You aren’t sure. And now that you’re thinking about it, the epiphany came a week or two earlier, walking to meet her, but first passing through the Metro, where you bought a pizza bun and ate it quickly in the park. 

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It doesn’t matter who is in the right—there’s no such thing as “right.” It’s terrifying to find yourself in that moment, yawning over a gulf that you didn’t know could exist. “I’m sorry—” “No, I’m sorry—” Unsettling to see the ground trembling distantly beneath you. Suddenly no amount of reassurance could undo this uncertainty—but perhaps there isn’t uncertainty at all. You’re waiting for a sign, an indication that nothing has changed. But if nothing changed then you’d still be stuck in that span of time before, still subject to the drop you didn’t know was on its way. And then when it came it would be devastating. 

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It feels like a lot has been on my mind this past week, like I’ve been shifting unsteadily between many different states… Spiritually and emotionally, I’m exhausted… I keep waiting for clarification, for rest, for ease. But it will never come. I have to find it in myself. Of course, today, the day of a big presentation, I’m sick—it makes sense, given where my mind and body have been. (There’s been no place for rest—my body is giving up just as the finish line nears.) 

Where have I been? I keep running into these moments at home where I don’t know what to do with myself. I don’t want to leave my apartment, but I want to go out; I don’t want to watch TV or a movie, but I want to be remade completely by the ups and downs of a dramatic visual program. I want to be moved and changed by the flux and surge of music. Most of all, I want to read—I want to bite into the piles of unread books that surround me everywhere I turn. But I must not want to read, because I barely do it.

I feel like I’m carrying something I can’t put down. But I’m not quite sure what that is. And I don’t know where to put it. And if I don’t figure that out soon, I’m worried I’ll keep the burden until I forget that I ever picked it up. 

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I’ve come to the end of a long journey. Tomorrow I arrive at the station. It’s hard to believe, but it’s true. It’s not a real end—there’s much more to do. But at least the train will stop long enough for me to get my bearings. 

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Getting deeper and deeper into something. Asking questions. “You’re quiet.” Wondering what would change, how to change, what can change. Feeling raw and trying to pay attention to that. “This feels like a very young you, in front of me right now.” What does that mean? “A confused you. An overwhelmed you.” I’d love to be able to focus on the material in front of me. I’d love not to be triggered by dealing with authority figures. I’d love to feel less contingent. You can feel precarious—existentially—even when things are going well. Even if—existentially—you’d be fine. Fine but upset. What do I mean by upset? Radical upheaval. Tectonic plates moving. Now is the time to work. But it’s also time to feel. 

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Viewing impulses to play The Binding of Isaac or Into the Breach for hours at a time as symptoms rather than decisions: I can’t decide when the feeling to lose myself comes over me, only how to respond. I feel “bad”—when I give in to it, but I feel “bad” before giving into it, too. I feel bad that I want to waste my life in this way, but at the same time it doesn’t quite feel like a waste. Only a kind of postponement (I have mentioned this feeling recently).

A meeting and a dinner on Monday. At the meeting people talked about volunteering with various leftist organizations… I thought, don’t I have time for that? Don’t I have time for that, and don’t I waste all of my time on compulsions? Then I went home. I was exhausted. I wanted to work on the story that I’ve been imagining myself working on, but I couldn’t. I wanted to watch television or a movie, to release something inside me and then go to sleep, but I wouldn’t let myself. (To release something inside me through writing fiction, too.)

I didn’t go to sleep until one-thirty in the morning, I exhausted myself saving the world perhaps three or four times. There were moments of perfection in that experience that I can still hang on to. Not as a kind of glory or triumph but a blankness. A pleasing blankness. But I felt worse.

Before going to sleep I asked myself: Why am I like this? Why am so depraved? Why can’t I spend my time volunteering, putting myself to good use? And I had a dream that night which seemed to directly answer the question. In it my paralysis and fear were one and the same: the dream described how I was never able to get answers. My mother shifting the blame, until she collapsed out of exhaustion. Movie monsters were shown, embodiments of my fear: tame, behind glass. I was invited to yell at them, tap knives against the screen. It was explained to me that the latter came from the former, from neglect, from violence, from lies and refusals of responsibility.

It all seemed so easy, something that could be fixed by knowing. But understanding is not the same as doing. I’ve written about this before. And perhaps I have never even understood.