What does it mean that I am biking the city, imagining I will see her on every streetcorner? I’m seeking an apology. An acknowledgment. An admission of guilt. I worked hard to be the ideal partner, but it wasn’t enough, nothing would have been. Doing more work on the relationship only would have devastated me further, not that I had much further to go. I will get none of those things. My resolution is imaginary.
Perhaps it’s like the final flare-up of a learned behaviour that an animal trainer is trying to eradicate—as the animal is about to finally kick the bad habit for good, there is a ten-fold increase in expressions of that behaviour, as they frantically try to return to the strategies that once brought it reward. I’m struggling to change my behaviour.