fan-sun-hand

Especially with the door closed, the carpet store is quiet on Saturdays. I’ve sorted all of the rugs and filled out the invoices, making checks in the Excel file to keep track of the comings and goings. Now there’s nothing to do but wait by the phone, just the hiss and squeak of the fans to keep me company.

Lately I’ve been worried about the malaise that I’ve noticed growing in myself, a sense of helplessness, a kind of nihilism… I don’t know where it’s coming from. It’s almost confusing, because in some respects I am more confident than ever, following my desire, meeting the eyes of strangers on the street.

I’ve been worried about the carelessness which with I’ve started to approach this job, which doesn’t require much care but does require at least some. Today it’s nice that there’s no one else around, that I haven’t yet had to deal extensively with the public; it has given me both authority to make decisions and room to breathe and think.

But I’m not challenged, this situation is temporary, and I’m worried about what that has been doing to me, mentally and emotionally. I have also not been challenging myself in my time off. I’ve been running myself ragged, either by filling my time with too many commitments or too many distractions. Some of the only time I’ve given myself is the five minutes of meditation I am sometimes allowed on the subway, or the seconds before I close my eyes to sleep.

My sleep itself has been irregular, more recently interrupted by different partners in my bed… I feel like I’ve broken a pattern, like I have a better sense of my own boundaries, of my desire to commit and to whom, and when that should occur. Right now I am being cautious and slow, which doesn’t mean I’m not following enthusiasm… Right now I am waiting for things to develop and sort themselves out rather than to try and build something without a foundation. A life can be built that way (that is, quickly and carelessly), perhaps even ultimately successfully, but I’ve done that too many times to think it will work out for me.

And I am doing something new and probably part of that is making mistakes, or overextending myself, and that is itself of necessity a temporary situation, that it will not last. I of course need to remember in the meantime to be careful with others as well, as my journey is not theirs…

There are four security cameras in the office, and sometimes I stand in front of the monitor which has the feeds all displayed in little quarters on the screen. I’m surprised to see someone standing there who looks like me but is not the picture of me that I have in my mind… It’s someone with more confidence and perhaps even a kind of ferocity. Or intensity. I don’t know if that’s the image that other people receive. I don’t know if it’s even close. Maybe I’m trying to care less about whatever that might be.

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